Releasing Old Patterns

Sometimes I think I have a handle on emotions and at other times they take control.

Sometimes I think I can be on top of everything, confident and free and then maybe a
certain event or person can spark off something in me where I act from an old pattern.

Maybe from a childhood neglect or a continuum of influences that I once had to deal with.
When those moments come, I may or may not act out and most times if I do the results are
more destructive than productive and it happens in an unconscious manner.

I say to myself later 'If only I could have just caught myself and walked outside and did some breathing or just dissociated from the event instead of speaking my mind coming from fear and not love".They are so boring the 'if onlys'. The damage is done and it's too late.

The more I exert control over my body and mind, through yoga and meditation, the less and less these experiences happen to me. My family happens to be very reactive and explosive. I have watched scenes and events throughout my childhood that other I would say 90% of other families would never experience. These were the tools I learned to cope. These are the lessons I learned as a child. I don't blame anyone. It was just a dynamic and it is not their fault.

So finding a way to break free from all this craziness was a necessary and intelligent component needed in order to cope and live a so called 'normal' day to day life where I can derive simple pleasures without having to be so emotional about everything.

Yoga and meditation help me to become aware of the mind and how far you can run with a story. It helps me to catch myself before I become reactive and just take a few deep breaths and relax. Calling friends can help too. Sometimes just picking up the phone and reaching out is
a huge act of self love. Praying as well. Sometimes it's too much to handle things on your own.

The happiness that I receive from knowing that everything starts with me gives me such a feeling of freedom.

No one is responsible for my happiness.

I can start a brand new life from this very minute.